It's been a while since I wrote anything I felt was worth publicly displaying and this isn't much different. However after I gave it to a few close people, I received some rather unexpected feedback. I am very interested in hearing what some of my fellow community members, who clearly have interest outside of kliking, and see what they think. Feedback is encouraged, but please keep it constructive. I love to write, and I will gladly take any honest advice with open arms.
Bloodstain by Brandon Cassata
Paradise lies in dreams,
always out of reach.
Tears roll down in streams,
because they can't hear your screams.
Anxiety and stress
make it impossible to move forward.
They all digress;
you lack what they possess.
The pain is like fire;
it's either now or never.
The mind starts to conspire;
bloodstain is the current desire.
Let the real pain ignite,
is it time to take or give?
Hold the knife tight,
and bleed into the night.
Is this really how it ends?
Stop and look up.
Maybe your life extends.
Look to the end of your disturbances, to help find some amends.
PS: Formatting has to do with a hidden message which co-insides with the last line of the last stanza. I want to see if anyone gets it before I spoil it.
The last sentence refers to the end of each disturbance in the rhyming pattern which is the second line of each stanza. The end is the last word of each of these second lines. So if you read the last word of the second line of each stanza, it spells out a message that sums up my entire point of writing this.
It was largely inspired by someone very close to me.
It's too cryptic, IMO. I'm not really fond of poems that take a lot of work into hiding things or getting things in a certain pattern. It tends to feel.. hollowed out. Like when you take a piece of wood, carve out a place to hide something. That's cool, but because you're trying to suit the wood to hide things, the outside doesn't appear so pretty.
I'd rather if the word expresses the meaning of the stanza, even if it doesn't rhyme. I'm not fond of rhymes either, maybe rock & metal lyrics make them seem a bit cheesy, but it doesn't sound good in English anymore.
But.. nice poem.
Disclaimer: Any sarcasm in my posts will not be mentioned as that would ruin the purpose. It is assumed that the reader is intelligent enough to tell the difference between what is sarcasm and what is not.
If that post of mine sounded overly critical, sorry, it wasn't meant to. If you're not familiar with the iambic pentameter, have a look at it - it'll most likely help you with your flow.
I was just writing it based off of what I felt sounded good. I wasn't really trying to make anything presentable to anyone further then the person I was originally writing it to. It was when she told me that she loved it, that I decided to see what other people thought. The feedback was rather positive, so I decided to take it even further and post it on TDC. I never actually went back and edited it though, so it's still in it's original piece.
Advertisement
Post Reply
Edited by Ricky
Sometimes the rhythm was a bit off but there was a definite step to the poem. 
Err, I guess it was a poem, wasn't it? 
